Friday, February 18, 2005
Beer -vs- Women
1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
6. BEER is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. deleted
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. deleted
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. deleted
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs.
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. deleted
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. deleted
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. Deleted
80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with babies are "cute".
81. deleted
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. deleted
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are ignorant.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89. deleted
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. deleted
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
6. BEER is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. deleted
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. deleted
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. deleted
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs.
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. deleted
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. deleted
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. Deleted
80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with babies are "cute".
81. deleted
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. deleted
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are ignorant.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89. deleted
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. deleted
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Norm's View
Coach: (Looking at Vogue Magazine) Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
Q: Whatcha up to Norm? (said by Sam)
A: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"
Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
Q: Whatcha up to Norm? (said by Sam)
A: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"
This is a site for men that live like Al Bundy
Women, you can't live with em and it's illegal to shoot them. Al Bundy from Married With Children.
Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys. To build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.
You know what I would do if I was President? I'd take a big empty state, that nobody's using, y'know, like Idaho, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I'd change the name to Preg-naho.
Son, let this be a lesson to you. Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.
"So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would, I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman, and I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. 'Cause despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, are still out there, being what we don't wanna be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun to my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"
I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married.
I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.
I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.
We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine.
Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.
Love is not only blind but stupid.
Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage.
Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother isn't it, Peg?
I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.
Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh ?
If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done.
Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.
Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.
A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.
That's what being a man is like: making mistakes and not caring.
Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys. To build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.
You know what I would do if I was President? I'd take a big empty state, that nobody's using, y'know, like Idaho, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I'd change the name to Preg-naho.
Son, let this be a lesson to you. Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.
"So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would, I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman, and I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. 'Cause despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, are still out there, being what we don't wanna be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun to my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"
I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married.
I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.
I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.
We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine.
Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.
Love is not only blind but stupid.
Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage.
Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother isn't it, Peg?
I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.
Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh ?
If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done.
Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.
Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.
A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.
That's what being a man is like: making mistakes and not caring.
